Misadventures of an unintelligent variety
by Raineisahuman
Summary: Naruto is assigned to a completely different team from the beginning, but it wasn't his idea. Tsunade might just accomplish one of her biggest ambitions...and who cares about the consequences? Not Shizune.


Prompt courtesy of MrDust. Yay, for he is being very awesome and things.

A start to the finish; or, a hideous prologue.

Shizune stood in the Hokage's office, head down as she listened to her long time mentor argue loudly with the old man. Outwardly, she looked as calm and ready as any good Shinobi should, but on the inside she was quivering with excitement. She knew just how much her mentor was emotionally invested in the belief that every team should have a medic, and she was determined to play a pivotal role in making this dream a reality.

Of course, this would require a great deal more medics, and a great deal stronger medics.

The biggest problem in having medics on every team was with training them all. The statistics stated that something like one in every twenty shinobi considered a career as a medic-nin in Konoha. They were traditionally weaker chuunin who just didn't have the offensive power to move up in the ranks, but superb chakra control. Unfortunately, this also meant they often got killed in the field due to lack of firepower. Most (surviving) medics completed their training in field hospitals, and some of those still walked out of the building and got hit by the four o'clock bus, as par the Heaven's Great Conspiracy to prevent many of those nasty medics from surviving to adulthood. Can't have that!

But the idea of training multiple medic nin was a very different one…when the team was intentionally picked to become medic nin and provided with just enough firepower to maybe make that difference and help train wickedly strong medic's who would prove to be of use in the field beyond that of "target whom emits funny dying noises".

Shizune very much so intended to make this a reality, and she was to be the first jounin sensei medic in Konoha's history.

She watched Tsunade's glowing fist decimate the old Hokage's desk and felt just a wee bit guilty that they were all but bullying him to get their way. Okay, yes, Tsunade was totally bullying him. Shizune didn't feel all that badly anyway. After all, she would be helping her country, and much more importantly, fulfilling Lady Tsunade's lifelong ambition.

Shizune closed her eyes and mind to the vibrant collateral damages and explicit profanity and leaned casually back against the door to the office. Oh, and she even had the PERFECT team picked out too! They were three new Genin, one chosen each for intelligence, kind nature, and the desire to protect their teammates. Oh, what a lovely set-up she had.

l

l

l

l

l

Naruto Uzumaki bounced impatiently on the edge of his seat. This bouncing was coincidentally done in a manner that most people might like to that of a kangaroo in a snake pit, or a terrier chasing the evil wicked man who comes by every day at the same time to put strange packages in the family box. Or, you know, kind of like that of a very excited preteen boy. Possibly.

Today, not so coincidentally as the last coincidence, was the day that Iruka-Sensei was going to read out the class assignments. This was not a coincidence in any way shape and or form because, on the previous day, the academy students had been given a test to measure their awesomeness. The score of that test was added their height in centimeters, divided by numbers randomly assigned from one to thirteen, added to the squared root of their grade point average, and had subtracted from it their class rank.

This was a very important test, and it wasn't conducted in any way similar to what was described above. This test determined who, of the Academy Students, was qualified to join the ranks of the shinobi.

It was pretty cool.

Naruto had scraped his way through the selection process last night, through channels that were definitely convoluted and probably illegal for him to mention to anyone who was not already in the know. It involved a lot of peanut butter.

His bouncing was definitely attracting attention now. Sakura-chan looked more than a little angry with every audible "KaThump" of chair legs hitting wooden floor, and the "Kreek-Ah!" war-cry that the back of his seat made as he violently spasmed in excitement was keeping a nice rhythm to Kiba's barely audible threats.

As a large percentage of the class glared (one was starry-eyed in adoration) at Naruto, Aburame Shino leaned forward and deposited a wicked-looking beetle with red pincers on the back of Naruto's neck. The whole class stopped and stared, mesmerized with a sick fascination as the thing clasped his skin and he slowly, slowly stopped moving. He didn't look asleep… he looked dead. Eyes open and everything. Twenty-seven children silently promised to themselves they would never give Shino reason to use one of the creepy crawlies on them, and Sasuke pretended to be tough even though his tiny mind was shrieking in horror.

Shino straightened up defensively. "What? He was annoying you guys too!"

Ino's eye twitched. Clearly, her famously huge mouth was warring with her well-honed self preservation instinct. It wasn't much of a battle. Sort of a toddler verses Batman matchup. Batman didn't stand a chance. Wait, what? "Yeah, but we didn't kill him!"

The Aburame sputtered, clearly hurt. "Ridiculous! Naruto is in no danger at all from the insect bite." The class relaxed.

"Its poison is only potent to the point of fatality when combined with the common dandelion."

Hinata fell over in a dead faint, hand twitching toward her backpack which just happened to contain a rather exquisite bouquet composed of the prettiest weeds she could find on her way to school. It was most definitely not meant for Naruto. Nope. (She threw away her painstakingly made creation as soon as she got the chance, and almost immediately afterward found out that it hadn't included dandelions in the first place. She cried. FOR DAYS.)

Shino sulked through the following twelve minutes and eighteen point oh nine seconds until Iruka-Sensei cheerily slid through the open door to the classroom and proved that adults really are oblivious, as he gave an impassioned (and obviously pre-prepared) speech on their impending adulthood and the new direction their lives would take, even while a tiny brunette at the back of the classroom wept silently for fear he would be assigned to Shino's team. The Chuunin stopped waxing poetic about the springtime of youth rather suddenly and observed his new colleagues. Tears threatened to swell in his eyes at the thought of his-THEIR, sorry, their tireless efforts to get themselves to the precipice they now stood at.

And then the story went on. "Listen up kids!" Iruka bellowed suddenly in what Sasuke personally thought was one of the most random verbal turnabouts he had ever witnessed. "Today, is the most important day of your life!"

Silence fell on the classroom.

Iruka felt very proud of himself. That is, until that same boy who had been sniffling and imploring the kami in a rather ridiculous fashion throughout the earlier proceedings raised his hand. Sigh. Iruka called on him.

"I thought the most important day of my life was my birthday."

Heads turned to look at the boy, some so fast they may have incurred whiplash on themselves, some slowly in absolute disbelief, but all united in one opinion: "He's so right."

Twenty eight children (Sasuke was still being dramatic, but Shino was now included in the count) thought longingly about cake. Iruka coughed.

"Right. Without any further ado, here I have your team assignment!" He whipped out an impressively sized scroll from absolutely nowhere, but somehow no one questioned this as they oohed and ahhed over the item's shiny outside.

Iruka gently smiled. "Of course, these assignments are a surprise for me too this year. I normally pick the genin teams that I graduate, based on scores and compatibility. You guys are the first class to be arranged in a different manner since the school system was set up in Konoha. Hokage himself…or maybe some of his elite jounin actually sat down and planned the team distribution this year."

Iruka laughed nervously to try to cover just how bad an idea he thought this was. "Of course, I assume the teams will still be arranged along similar lines as to what they have always been and those who arranged the teams will see fit to explain why you each were assigned where you were!"

Absolute disbelieving silence met him. All but one person in the room had at least an elementary understanding of shinobi politics, and Naruto was too drugged to move at all.

"Right." Iruka coughed into his fist.

He opened the scroll, abandoning all dramatics. "Team one: Sasuke Uchiha."

Sakura perked up.

"Aburame Shino"

A shiver worked down her spine.

"And (insert name here of twitchy brunette boy)."

A scream of absolute horror ripped out of a tiny throat at an impossibly high pitch, that was, quite frankly, really impressive. When Chouji gave his seat partner a concerned look and offered him a potato chip the wretch stopped his screeching and munched in a distracted manner that implied he had already forgotten why he was terrified.

In the back of her mind, Sakura didn't regret not being on Sasuke's team. Shino gave her the creeps in a major way.

Iruka moved on with his life. "Team two." He squinted at the paper. "I'm sorry, Team two is officially designated "Team Dynamic Possibility." No, really, I am sorry. Ino, Kiba, Hatu. You have horrible luck."

Kiba wept silently for the lost possibilities, but held onto the stubborn belief that maybe the name was a coincidence (Has it been mentioned that nothing in the ninja world is a coincidence? Oh. I see. Well, nothing is.) and that maybe that nutty guy in green had nothing at all to do with his future teacher.

"Team three: Hinata Hyuuga."

The girl self-consciously stared down at her desk, absolutely certain that she would somehow be paired with a training dummy and a sack of sugar.

"Sakura Haruno."

Hinata, surprised, smiled at the other girl. Her smile faded as the other kuniochi only gave a weak grin in return. She put her head down on her desk.

"And Naruto Uzumaki?"

And suddenly this was both the most tragic day of Sakura's young life, and one thousand and twelve times better than Hinata's second-best day of life.

Prompt:

"Here's a team arrangement I don't recall yet seeing. Right out of the academy, team 7, Naruto-Sakura-Hinata, with their jounin sensei being Shizune. The idea for the grouping, is a medic support squad. Sakura and Hinata as the medics, Naruto as the support. How would Shizune's calm and patient attitude shape the team, and how would Sakura and Hinata affect each other, especially in regards to Naruto? Without Sasuke around, will Sakura mellow out or get even more short tempered? Will her attitude against Naruto rub off on Hinata? Or will Hinata slowly be able to convince Sakura that Naruto is a better person than the pinky believes? What will Shizune do to curb the attitude of her team? Does she have a personal interest in Naruto? Will Naruto need a second sensei, one that's purely combat oriented, if Shizune can't teach him advanced medical jutsu?"


End file.
